Age: 25
Current relationship status: Single
What qualities catch your eye?
Intelligence, ambition, a real sense of adventure, and a very particular sort of gentility and inquisitive kindness. Oh, and legs.
What turns you off about Christian women?
Forewarning: This will come off as more bitter than it truly is. I’m being honest, and not over-thinking these answers.
A) Christian women, in my experience, are typically more selfish and self-centered than other females I interact with. This isn’t to say that trait is limited to Christians, but it’s an unfortunate recurring theme. Also, this seems to get worse the longer the Christian women wait to marry. (It seems that many Christian girls’ sole purpose in life is to get married, which means when they marry at age 19, life is basically over; when they don’t, this entirely distorted, unhealthy, and selfish view of marriage continues to fuel their identity in a tangential way.)
B) Christian women have wildly unrealistic ideas about relationships, which is the cumulative (and paradoxical) sum of Jane Austen novels, Cosmopolitan, and Sex in the City. I could delve into this statement at length, but my inner monologue when I’ve heard Christian girls describe what they want is, “My word, you deserve the loneliness you’ve brought upon yourself.”
C) Christian girls are far more emotionally slutty than non-Christian girls, yet wear this under the guise of ‘purity’, because they’ve kept their panties on. This is exhibited very potently in the fact that Christian men often don’t date within their Christian circle; we all know that these girls – in many, many cases – are ruthlessly flirtatious all around (because they want to lure a Christian man). This makes them impossible to read, and truth-be-told – we don’t trust them. It’s a vicious cycle on both sides of the fence.
How are things faring with the ladies, in general?
I’m not dissatisfied, if that’s what you mean.
That last question was just a diplomatic way of getting the dirt. Boy, why you single?
I’m not actively pursuing any kind of relationship. I’ve got enough going on right now, that I feel it would be irresponsible to make another human being try to “fit into” my schedule. Before that was my answer, it was something related to taking my time in recovering from my previous long-term, live-in relationship. Read into that what you will. I’m probably avoiding vulnerability, or some other pop-psychology term-du-jour.
What do you wish you understood about women?
I’m curious about the real balance women desire between adventure and the perception of security in their lives.
Name your shame. Favorite 90’s ballad? Affection for Lifetime movies? Convince us there’s a mortal behind the facade of perfection that you’re currently rocking.
I once spent an entire summer afternoon watching movies on Lifetime with another dude. It started out with idly flipping through channels, and then an “accidental” settling on what we men call ‘The Estrogen Network’; neither one of use took the ambition to change the channel. We were both completely broke, and we took turns making food throughout the afternoon. We enjoyed it way too much, and vowed to never speak of that afternoon again.
Christians who’re dating face all sorts of moral/logistical conundrums. Where (or to whom) do you look for advice and insight?
My friends – Christian or not – who don’t wear an “it’s always rosy in my household” façade. An easier way of saying that – friends who are real, friends who exhibit wisdom, and friends who are sometimes unlikely sources of advice. Oh, and the Internet. There, I admitted it.
If a girl is interested, what’s her best recourse (other than batting of the eyelashes)?
Ask him real questions – not shallow ones. Any man is already halfway in love with a woman who he feels understands him.
Should a girl be so bold as to ask you out?
Hell yes.
What is the biggest difference between dating as a Christian and dating as a non-Christian?
Christian relationship conversations are often a strange dichotomy of “Everything We Can Talk About (Everything in life)” on one side, and “That Thing We Can’t Talk About (Sex)” on the other. This creates so much tension and truly fouled-up relationships and marriages, it’s hard to understand, if you’ve never been outside of that sphere of thinking. Non-Christians realize, in general, that life is much more complicated and involved than that overly-simplistic dichotomy.
How can the church support healthy relationships?
Good question. I think the church can make itself useful in this situation by focusing on the word “healthy”. This means that the church will have to let go of being able to define the context and organization of those relationships, in many cases. By providing support that can benefit the whole person – not just the “rules” those churches define themselves by, I believe growth can occur. In that context.
Has something he said sparked any thoughts for you? Leave your comments below. Fellas, want to contribute to the Manversation? Shoot us an email to join in the discussion.
Who was this guy??? He got it Right. On. The. Dot!!! Especially the 2nd question and the “biggest difference between dating” question.
I hope this becomes one of your more widely read posts. This guy’s answers were excellent.
Except the 5th question. I found it kind of shallow.
Actually, scratch that last comment.
The bit about what turns you off about Christian women makes me a wee bit sad and uncomfortable. That being said, I know girls like this. Instead of burying Christian women I say let’s encourage each other! Let’s be the glass half full women of the church! In agreement with mister lifetime, I say to the ladies – look at your lives. Look at your friends and families and say I’m so blessed! Let’s not be ashamed about being single or lonely. If we claim to be Christians let’s live it. I don’t want to be solely defined by sexuality and relationship status. We all have so much more to offer!
I am dismayed by most of this post. Honestly, I find the post generally repugnant. I think the A, B and C listing of all the reasons “christian women” are unattractive is simply unkind. Are we not first and foremost brothers and sisters knit together through the love of the holy spirit? I ask this question because often when we discuss dating it does’t seem like that is the case. I am not denying that the critique may be true of certain women but I am concerned that it has been relegated to “typical behavior”. For the women these statements are true about may I suggest that we go about rebuking them in a different way. And if by some deep systemic and personal failures this is true of most christian women then I definitely suggest we go about rebuking in a completely different way. The behaviors listed above appear to be derived from serious heart issues of worth, identity, and trust. Those issues need to be dealt with one on one with kindness and mercy. When addressed in a puiblic forum or as a generality the rebuke is easily ignored. What if as brothers and sisters we kindly rebuked one another of our behavior when it is warranted? We are charged to clothe one another in dignity the same way the Father has clothed us. Shouldn’t this be true in our dating interactions as well?
Dear MAM,
Firstly, it is regrettable that you found my answers so repugnant – it certainly was not my intention to offend. It was and is, however, my intention to be honest.
I’ll be the first to admit that my tone can sometimes come off a bit caustic (which I mentioned early on in the written interview above), but it seems that your frustration is stemming from a misunderstanding of the question as it was directed towards me: At no point did I list “all the reasons ‘christian women’ are unattractive.” The question I was asked was, “What turns you off about Christian women?” That is the question I responded to.
The questions in the interview itself are pointed, and aim at really getting to the dirt of the conversation, which usually gets brushed aside or ignored in the overwhelming majority of ‘christian’, feel-good, pop-relationship advice columns / books / radio / etc. (Let me know if I’m overstepping your credo here, IKDH gals.) There are innumerable resources out there aimed at transforming milquetoast guys into men with wild hearts, and needy girls into captivating, mysterious women. Those resources go on and on about how much better Christians are at getting married and such, but don’t really lift a fat finger (in my opinion) to truly address the deeper, dirty issues that arise in reality. For that reason – and towards the goal for which I understand this site exists at all – I answered bluntly and experientially. If some of those statements are read as broad generalizations, then I accept responsibility for that – but know that this was not my intention.
I will say, MAM – you hit the nail on the head, when you mentioned that the co-dependent and manipulative behaviours that I mentioned were “derived from serious heart issues of worth, identity, and trust” – B-I-N-G-O, indeed. Who else might have developed such wounds, but generations of both men AND women who grew up in a vacuum of any number of variations of ‘christian’ culture (with its bizarre, reactive stance on relationships, marriage, sex, politics, money, etc), only to find – sometime in adolescence or thereafter – that there is, in fact, a real, big world out there, and maybe – just maybe – there is a distinct possibility that this ‘christian culture’ imposed some ‘absolute truths’ which, under closer observation, are actually a bit more fluid and amorphous than Good | Evil? In my opinion and experience, those are issues that the vast majority of folks brought up in ‘christian culture’ – at least, those I’ve interacted with – necessarily will have to deal with at some point. To that regard, I agree with you that these things should be dealt with in love, patience, and grace beyond our own definitions. Absolutely.
Back to the topic at hand – I do not hate women (big fan, actually), am not unkind to them, and honestly, I don’t know what ‘rebuking’ means. I could easily write essays bordering on Proustian exposition to laud the mysterious beauty and wondrous qualities of ‘Girl A’ – and in fact I have (back when christian school taught me that it was my job to be a ‘Nice Guy’) – but I’ve grown up a bit since then, and also realized that this kind of thing doesn’t really help (and in fact makes me seem like I prefer way too much sugar in my coffee).
To round it out, MAM, let me tell you that, while I do sometimes date outside of the 1-piece dating pool, if I am absolutely honest, it is my hope to eventually be entwined with the life of a strong and beautiful Christian woman whose bold words cut with kindness and honesty, and whose moral compass is unshakably grounded in depths beyond her cultural upbringing. If she never guilts me into watching Lifetime with her, that’s cool too. Or, we could like, just get rid of the TV and trek off to a safari.
Hopefully Less Repugnantly,
Mr. Lftm
not gonna lie, this is probably one of my favorite manversations and am all the more intrigued. i think i’d just wanna sit at a cafe and sip coffee while i listen to mr. lifetime pontificate
a) further on the travail of christian dating
b) anything else.
don’t mean that in a creepy way, just bein’ honest.