More than a few people have sent us this link to a recent article on Christianity Today’s website about the consequences of following the dating advice of the past decade and a half from Christian culture. In short, the writer Gina R. Dalfonzo says the fable for Christian women hoping to get married is this:
- Girl desires marriage in her early 20s. —> She is told to wait for the man to pursue.
- Girl worries she’s aging while Mr. Right gets his act together. —> She is told to be patient.
- Girl focuses on her career, dating only occasionally. —> She is told she’s too picky and should spend more time around guys.
- Girl develops strong male friendships. —> She is told she’s pseudo-dating and intentions are unclear.
- Girl more aggressively pursues men. —> She is told she’s too forward.
- Girl becomes passive and celebrates her 30th birthday alone. —> She is told she was too career-driven and should have pursued a relationship while young.
- Girl runs off with the first non-Christian man who will marry her.
It’s an interesting version of many of the discussions we have here at IKDH. After years of unsuccessfully navigating the Christian dating scene, many of our peers are giving up on finding love with another believer. They have resigned themselves to the idea that marriage with anyone is better than marriage with no one, marching off into lifetime commitments with those who do not share their faith. And I get it.
But I don’t believe this has to be our ending. At IKDH we are trying to break the cycle above and collectively write a new fable about what it means to date as a Christian. So join us.
Let us know what you think of this article in Christianity Today by leaving a comment below or sending us an email. Do you think the pattern Dalfonzo decribes is accurate? Does she leave out anything you’ve experienced? Is it possible to write an alternate ending?
I am that girl- woman (28) and I am a doctor. I am dating an amazing non-Christian guy who puts all Christian guys to shame and if I am honest would probably be a better bringing up Christian children and being a Christian than most Christian guys. Unfortunately, I have learnt that for most Christian guys, ‘Christian’ is just a badge. Actually living it out is something of legend. But the advantage of this badge is community which is cultural. The faith thing doesn’t even come into question. My non-Christian boyfriend has courage. He encourages me in my faith and speaks the truth in love. He is always here with me and we pray together. He tells me how much he loves me and I am precious in his sight. I have never experienced this from a Christian guy and realise that the reason for this is that they feel too special, too chosen, too good for most of us girls in the church.
My advice to me at 18 would be make finding your mate a priority, don’t take advice from the women in the church because most of the time, these women are single, in their 40s and really, if you take their advice, that’s where you are heading. Move away fromhome and accept that the future is yours for the taking. The Lord loves you, he will not leave or forsake you so take some of the risks that life presents because you are young now. This will not always be the case.
It’s unfortunate that you blanket-statement all Christian men as hypocrites. It makes you sound bitter and misguided, as do many of your other comments. Telling young Christian women to “make finding a mate” their priority is already a big red flag. Jesus should be THE priority. And if you’re patient and you trust in God’s promises He will bring someone to you (in whatever way that means).
Or he won’t because maybe not everyone is meant to be married. And if God chooses that for you then He will make that path more fulfilling and meaningful than anything you could try to do yourself.
Your last sentence also sounds like a direct contradiction of when Jesus tells us it is wrong to test the Lord. You’re trying to say that because the Lord loves you and will not forsake you, that the correct course of action is to “take risks?” What do you mean by take risks? Do something you know is wrong, because God will redeem you? That sounds like a convoluted heart right there. That sounds like impatience and a lack of trust in God.
David, You’re clearly writing from the viewpoint of your experiences.You may not agree with her conclusions, but you’re certainly not seeing the lessons and perspective that has come from them. If anything, this is a classic example of your trust and ability to love and respect someone without ripping them to shreds over their viewpoint. She may very well be wrong on some things, but you’re so busy arguing about what’s she’s wrong about that you’re failing to see (and point out) the things that she is not wrong for wanting(but perhaps in error about how to attain/meet those desires) She’s right that she’s worthy of love (as are you), and that she is not wrong in wanting to be intentional about her relationships.
Simply put, I think a big problem in Churchianity is that we have gotten so superspiritual that we have actually used it as a means to have superficial relationships and very little real community as Christians, especially in the area of relationships, dating, and marriage. We wonder why we have the same divorce rate in the world, but we can’t be honest with each other in general.
sigh.