How is your hope treating you this summer?
In New York there used to be this annual BBQ in Prospect Park that was put on by a group of young black professionals and attended by over 1000 people. I lived for this event. I waited months in anticipation, fretting over outfits and hairstyles to perfect “my look” so I could show up in the freshest style for a casual afternoon in the park. The trick was to appear that you’d just thrown something together while also inferring that Beyonce’s glam squad had touched you up just before you ambled over with your picnic blanket.
My heart still races a bit when I think back on the amount of hope and expectation I had each summer waiting for these BBQs. I’m a part of a predominantly white faith community so the opportunity to be around other African Americans en masse met my very real need for cultural connection. And more than that these opportunities somehow affirmed that I was beautiful as a young black woman, washing away the particular kind of loneliness and relational insecurity that can come from being a minority in the church.
So each summer I’d get excited, working up some hope of finding the one, the myth…the young black professional male (who was educated, had a job, loved Jesus and appreciated short ribs in equal measure). I always had a great time at the BBQ. I mean, you try being depressed while you’re double-fisting a slice of watermelon in one hand and a grilled chicken leg in the other. #notpossible But as the day would draw to a close, disappointment eventually set in on the long walk home, as I wallowed in sadness over my hopes being dashed having failed to make a connection. The weight of disappointment was crushing.
I’m currently reading Rumors of God, a book by two Aussies Darren Whitehead and Jon Tyson who are pastors at major churches near the cultural epicenters of Chicago and New York City, respectively. In the book the writers beautifully unpack the moment in scripture along the road back to Emmaus when we encounter the story of the resurrected Jesus as he meets two of his disciples leaving Jerusalem following the Crucifixion.
His identity hidden from them, the disciples lament to Jesus, “We had hoped that he was the one who was going to redeem Israel.” But with his death, all of the excitement that this was the the Messiah has vanished so they leave the promise of Jerusalem and head back to Emmaus.
I’ve made that walk.
Now hear me out…I don’t mean to cheapen the Gospel by equating my departure from a BBQ without giving a dude my phone number to the despair those disciples must have felt having just watched the Messiah who was to bring the kingdom of God to earth crucified on a cross. But I know what it’s like to live in the letdown. I know what it’s like to walk without hope.
But the good news is that God shows up in those moments. As Whitehead and Tyson point out, it’s on that walk away from the fulfillment of their hope that Jesus comes alongside them to love, restore and reignite their hope in place of the disillusionment that was beginning to take root.
So again I ask, how’s your hope treating you this summer? Are you on the long walk toward Emmaus, wallowing in the disappointment of expectations for relationship gone unfulfilled? Are you in need of Jesus to walk alongside you and remind you of his promise?
My hope is waning. I actually gave up hoping a few years ago and last year God revived it to me. I haven’t had any one significant walk home from a large event, but I have had plenty of nights going home from friend’s all of whom are married (at this point) and many of whom’s marriages I admire and covet. So, my hope is a bit bruised this summer. Jesus is trying to walk with me, but seasons like this it’s hard to even let him because I want to be so angry with him. I keep reminding myself that He only gives Good gifts to his children and that he is not intentionally witholding a good gift from me just to be cruel. Hoping this season will pass, if I get *my* way it’ll pass because I’ll start dating someone wonderful.
@LaughingMouse–thank you for your candor. These two extremes–anger and frustration at the wait, and reminding myself that God is not bring cruel or withholding a “good thing” as in “No good thing will he uphold from those who walk upright before Him…”–bouncing between these two opposite planes has been the bane of my existence. I fully grasp the intensity of those feelings; as such, I applaud you for your transparency. It helps me to know that I am not alone. As you continue on your road of tested faith, I am on a similar road, praying for you and all other disenchanted soldiers who need their hope revived. God Bless.
I’m not gonna lie….my hope has been somewhat far from me this summer. I moved to Orlando, FL for a 2 month internship and i’m 2 weeks away from it being over. It’s been an ok summer, but it’s been hard. I don’t really know anyone here and no one’s really looking to invest time getting to know someone who’s only here for 2 months. My best friend moved down here too for a job, but she’s been so busy that I only see her on the weekend and only hear from her on the weekend. My other friend that’s here only calls me when he wants help with a video he’s doing. It’s slowly, but surely getting harder. I know though that this is all happening to teach me something. What? I don’t know yet.
Thanks for sharing!
@LaughingMouse – I hope you get your way too. Love the image of your hope being “bruised.” There is an implicit healing and restoration in that statement. I totally hear you though on feeling like you’re angry with God. But I think he’s big enough to handle that.
@Michael – Not sure if you’re already headed back home from your internship, but please do share when you have a chance how your time in FL ended. It’s almost fall. I love the anticipation of autumn. This crazy summer season is passing away and with it the isolation will too. Keep us posted.
So I go home from my internship tomorrow and it’s been about 2 weeks since I posted here…thought i’d give you an update. After reading this and A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller, I found I wanted more…organic experiences with my friends, you know, those times you hang out and you can tell something special is happening. So I prayed and…He came through. I re-connected with a friend and met some pretty amazing people and it was awesome. I heard a sermon illustration 2 wks ago. Imagine you have room in your hand for one coin, and you have a penny. You’re walking along and you see a quarter, what do you do? You of course drop the penny and pick up the quarter, because the quarter is worth more than the penny. And the quarter can always give you more pennies, but the penny can not give you more quarters. God is like that, we hold on to these small insignificant things. But when we let go of them and hold on to him. He gives us more, more friends, more family, more relationships, more whatever. But more of just those things can never give you God. Things have changed because I decided to hold on to God more. Last night I had to say good-bye to the person I trust the most; and also the only person I’ve ever said I love you to, outside of my family. We’ve been friends for 3 years and been through a lot together. She is an amazing girl and I’m in love with her, she means more to me than anyone else. We may never be anything more than friends, but…i’m ok with that. Normally I’d be really depressed, but i’m holding on to God. Because…even when there’s no hope, He’s still got you. And He’ll never let go.
Wow. Inspired. Good stuff; thank you for sharing.
This summer was a time of hope crushing. I can definitely relate to the verse in Proverbs that says hope deferred makes the heart sick. My response has been to really press into Jesus and to ask Him to be the source of my hope as clearly what I’ve been doing is not working!
Simply bruised. Hope is deferred. Heart is super sick. So numb that I don’t even have any more energy to analyze, think or even like someone!! A relationship which could have been an amazing one — Given: mutual deep respect, friendship for years and common goals , shared principles and love for God..Alas! Cross country visits take place (my heart being hopeful that something will come out of this) — ALAS!! Nothing happened!
I want to want Jesus more than I want anything else — but I stop at wanting to want.. .It is soo hard not to focus on dreams and just be fulfilled by community and God. This is Hard…………..